The World’s Worst Poet

. . . is not an Illinoisan but only just

Illinois Times

May 1, 1981

The published subtitle read, “William McGonagall was mighty bad, of course. But an Illinoisan wrote ‘To the Appaloosa Horse.’” A review of a sort, and an appreciation. The title is misleading. My topic here was in fact all the world’s great bad poets, or at least all the great bad poets in my world, which included Illinois.

 

I wondered as I ambled amused through the stanzas of William McGonagall's "An Address to the New Tay Bridge"—where is Illinois's McGonagall?" McGonagall was the Scots poet who died in 1902 and left behind him a body of work so striking in its originality that Thai scholars while away the monsoon seasons studying it. Even Bulgarians read McGonagall, and while it is true that there isn't much else to do in Bulgaria, it is also true that there is a lot to do in California, and Californians read him too.

 

McGonagall was a great poet. He was not, however, an especially good one. His greatness is in the fact that he was so much less good than anyone else. There are many times in the history of Art when earnestness and incompetence combine with results so singular that encountering them is like walking unawares into a glass door. Middle-aged female church choristers who sing like cats which a prudent person would never have let out of the bag often have this effect on their listeners. So does the statue of Everett McKinley Dirksen on the Statehouse grounds in Springfield, which is proof that the impulses that animate the artist's breast do not beat inside ordinary mortals.

 

McGonagall's breast was far from ordinary in the matter of impulses. His heart was perennially full of glee. He was inspired not by love or the seasons but by fires, disasters, railway bridges, even public improvements such as the much-admired Glasgow Water Works. His best work memorializes resorts in terms that would bring tears to the eyes of any industrial development council. "Bonnie Kilmay, in the County of Fife," he once wrote, "Is a healthy spot to reside in to lengthen one's life."

 

To say that his poems did not fall lightly upon the ear is to not say enough. Publicans used to throw peas at him. A waiter once slapped him in the face with a wet towel to force his silence. Like our Vachel Lindsay, he traded rhymes for bread; he died a hungry man. He fancied himself Poet to the Queen, but since his death readers have bestowed a different title upon him: The World's Worst Poet.

 

I am told that McGonagall outsells Tennyson in Great Britain. Until recently, however, McGonagall was a closed book to most Illinoisans, indeed to most Americans. Then, in 1979, Templegate Publishers of Springfield published a book of selections from the Master. Entitled, The World's Worst Poet (paperback, $4.95). The book offers forty-one of McGonagall's best (er, worst), along with a reminiscence by the poet and an appreciation by James Jackson, foreign correspondent for the Chicago Tribune.

 

Random quotation cannot convey McGonagall's inspired awfulness any more than listening to only one speech by a legislator can convey the scope of his mediocrity. To be bad occasionally is commonplace. To be consistently and perfectly bad is Art. McGonagall had an utter lack of pretension of the sort that makes most poor verse not bad as much as boring. The more I read of McGonagall, the more I realized how unique he was, and why it has been so hard to find his equal; a contest in Great Britain to find a poet as bad as McG. had been declared no contest. 

 

Reading McGonagall forces one to reconsider one’s notions about what makes a poem a poem, or, more accurately, what makes a good poem. According to the usual standards, McGonagall is pretty bad, but testing the limits of their media and their audience's assumptions is what great artists have always sought to do. McGonagall could not write like Tennyson, true. But it is also true—and the significance of this truth hit me like a brick—that Tennyson could not write like McGonagall!

 

So who is Illinois's McGonagall? I began turning over every stone in my files, hoping to find beneath one of them the equal of McG.'s poetic gems. The pickings were anything but slim. Many candidates were flawed by either pretentions to Art (see "The Bannerstone," written by Charles C. Thomas about the Wright-designed Dana House) or pretensions to Profundity (which sank the Rev. D. G. Carson's 1910 ode to the first airplane to land in Springfield when he began babbling about angel wings and the Wright brothers).

 

I was gratified and surprised to find so many works, however, which were flawed by neither. For example, Jim Enright, a Chicago sportswriter who authored the 1977 book March Madness: The Story of High School Basketball in Illinois, wrote a poem titled, "The Modern Ides of March." It takes as its subject the state basketball tournament, and reads in part:

 

Repressions die, and partisans vie

in a goal acclaiming roar.

On Championship Trail toward holy grail,

All fans are birds of a feather.

It's fiesta night and cares lie light

When the air is full of leather.

 

I like to think that old McGonagall's ghost smiles whenever these lines are sung. But alas, Enright apparently has tethered his muse to sports, so while he is the Scotsman's equal in other ways he lacks the Master's scope. "If only," I thought, "Enright had been there when the Rosemont Civic Center collapsed."

 

As "Casey at the Bat" proved, sports and poetry do not mix well. Two Springfield lawyers tried it in 1974 in a verse tribute to Henry Aaron's record-setting 715th home run, a poem which was endorsed in the form of a resolution by the city council. It passes the test in one respect, in that it slips in a patriotic reference to a local hero, Springfield's big league Hall of Fame pitcher Robin Roberts, who faced Aaron many times. "Our own Robin Roberts helped you along," it read, "With nine juicy pitches ripe for your brawn/ We think you are super, Hammerin' Hank/ So accept our salute and greatest of thanks."

 

Commerce has been the inspiration of much bad architecture and more worse prose, so it should surprise no one that it occasionally inspires equally bad verse. McGonagall himself, an honest and thus a poor man, rose to dizzy heights of eloquence in describing Beecham's Pills and Hudson Soap. In 1900 an unknown Springfield author penned a piece called "The Leland 'Hotel Mineral Spring" which described the iron spring which then bubbled in Springfield's Washington Park, water from which "You get . . . free at the hotel/ It cures the sick and makes them well."

 

They took the water to a college,

Unto a chemist of great knowledge;

"I will see what it contains," said he,

"If you will pay a liberal fee."

 

He took his time and made the test;

Said he, "Your water is the best

And purest that I ever saw;

It far excels the Waukesha."

 

So now the guests they are all glad;

They drink no water that is bad,

And say that Leland is the man

Who does them all the good he can.

 

I put it to my readers: Doesn't this belong on a plaque someplace?

 

As long as we're putting up plaques, we might as well save a bit of brass for this 1974 work by Melba Eichen of Raymond, published in a local newspaper. "How you gonna keep 'em down on the farm/ When the farmer loses his shirt and the farm its charms?" she asks. And before you can say, "Damned if I know," she's off again with a warning:

 

If the farmer would strike bringing

production to a standstill

His food would make your mouth water,

whatever the bill.

Count your blessings lest the horn of plenty

runs [sic] dry.

You can't spell agriculture without u or i.

 

Fine stuff, this. But I suspect that Ms. Eichen, like Jim Enright, is a one-subject bard. Where, I demanded, was the poet who looked at the world with an eye for subject matter as accommodating as McGonagall? Who shared McG.'s passion for the prosaic? Who, like McG., would let neither meter nor meaning interfere with a rhyme?

 

Finally I found my man. He is V. Y. Dallman, who for decades was the editor of the old Illinois State Register. Dallman was a man erect in principle as well as bearing, an avid walker and reformer who died in a car crash in 1964 at the age of ninety-one, and who for years published verse in his column in the Register. I recognized an artist the instant I scanned this opening couplet from Dallman's "To the Appaloosa Horse," which reads, "Here's to the Appaloosa Horse, In World affairs a happy force!" Here was my man at last. Dallman clearly was inspired by the Appaloosa; another part of the same poem reads, "His limbs excite deep admiration/ They are this world's best transportation!"

 

Like McGonagall, Dallman also was inspired by public improvements. About the decorative fountains in front of Springfield's Municipal Building, which were donated by the local Roman Cultural Society, Dallman wrote (somewhat mystifyingly),

 

The Roman Cultural Society

By striving to keep loveliness in flower

With brilliant fountain lights prompts us to see

The challenge of World Crises of this hour!"

 

This, I thought as I read, is what separates an artist from a mere mortal. Blake saw the world in a grain of sand; Dallman saw world crises in dancing water. All I've ever seen in those fountains is candy wrappers and the odd penny tossed in with a wish by unemployed precinct committeemen. And also like McGonagall, Dallman was not averse to making plugs. In "Toast to Circus Fans," he nodded to one of the city's best-known photographers when he wrote,' 'Herb Georg with pictures old and new/Makes Circus scenes pass in review."

 

Dallman was a past potentate of the Ansar Temple, and it was on the occasion of The Potentate's Ball in 1964 that he rose to make a toast to a Mr. Bell, the new potentate, and Bell's wife. “In you such previous virtues blend/ Your honeymoon should never end!" he sang. "True love—YOU—can depend on/ And have more Bells than a Carillon!" He concluded the toast with these lines: "Let ice cubes tinkle great GOOD WILL”/Hail to the Bells of Chandlerville!!!”

 

I'm not old enough to remember Dallman, but I miss him just the same. The closest thing to poetry in the Copley paper these days is Ken Watson's Statehouse column. And think of the grist for Dallman's mill that has fallen wasted on the ground since 1964! What would Dallman have given us, I wonder, on the subject of White Oaks Mall? How much more uplifting would the Redbirds' pennant-winning 1980 season have been if Dallman had been there to memorialize it? Think of the department store openings, the new sewer lines, the parking ramps that went up without commemoration. A light went out when Dallman died, and Springfield is still in the dark. ●

SITES

OF

INTEREST

John Hallwas

Essential for anyone interested in Illinois history and literature. Hallwas deservedly won the 2018 Lifetime Achievement Award from the Illinois State Historical Society.

Lee Sandlin Author

One of Illinois’s best, and least-known, writers of his generation. Take note in particular of The Distancers and Road to Nowhere.

Chicago Architecture Center

See Home Page/Learn/

Resources for a marvelous building database, architecture dictionary, even a city planning graphic novel. Handsome, useful—every Illinois culture website should be so good.

The Encyclopedia of Chicago

 

The online version of The Encyclopedia of Chicago. Crammed with thousands of topic entries, biographical sketches, maps and images, it is a reference work unmatched in Illinois.

Illinois Great Places

The Illinois chapter of the American Institute of Architects in 2018 selected 200 Great Places in Illinois that illustrate our  shared architectural culture across the entire period of human settlement in Illinois.

McLean County Museum

of History

A nationally accredited, award-winning project of the McLean County Historical Society whose holdings include more than 20,000 objects, more than 15,000 books on local history and genealogy, and boxes and boxes of historical papers and images.

Mr. Lincoln, Route 66, and Other Highlights of Lincoln, Illinois

 

Every Illinois town ought to have a chronicler like D. Leigh Henson, Ph.D. Not only Lincoln and the Mother road—the author’s curiosity ranges from cattle baron John Dean Gillett to novelist William Maxwell. An Illinois State Historical Society "Best Web Site of the Year."

Illinois Digital Archives

 

Created in 2000, the IDA is a repository for the digital collections of the Illinois State Library and other Illinois libraries and cultural institutions. The holdings include photographs, slides, and glass negatives, oral histories, newspapers, maps, and documents from manuscripts and letters to postcards,  posters, and videos.

The Illinois State Museum

 

The people's museum is a treasure house of science and the arts. A research institution of national reputation, the museum maintains four facilities across the state. Their collections in anthropology, fine and decorative arts, botany, zoology, geology, and  history are described here. A few museum publications can be obtained here.

Chronicling Illinois

“Chronicling Illinois” showcases some of the collections—mostly some 6,000 photographs—from the Illinois history holdings of the Abraham Lincoln Presidential Library.

Chicagology

I will leave it to the authors of this interesting site to describe it. "Chicagology is a study of Chicago history with a focus on the period prior to the Second World War. The purpose of the site is to document common and not so common stories about the City of Chicago as they are discovered." 

Illinois Labor History Society

The Illinois Labor History Society seeks to encourage the preservation and study of labor history materials of the Illinois region, and to arouse public interest in the profound significance of the past to the present. Offers books reviews, podcasts, research guides, and the like. 

Illinois Migration History 1850-2017

The University of Washington’s America’s Great Migrations Project has compiled migration histories  (mostly from the published and unpublished work by UW Professor of History James Gregory) for several states, including Illinois. The site also includes maps and charts and essays about the Great Migration of African Americans to the north, in which Illinois figured importantly. 

History on the Fox

An interesting resource about the history of one of Illinois’s more interesting places, the Fox Valley of Kendall County. History on the Fox is the work of Roger Matile, an amateur historian of the best sort. Matile’s site is a couple of cuts above the typical buff’s blog. (An entry on the French attempt to cash in on the trade in bison pelts runs more than

2,000 words.)

BOOKS

 OF INTEREST

SIUPromoCoverPic.jpg

Southern Illinois University Press 2017

A work of solid history, entertainingly told.

Michael Burlingame,

author of Abraham 

Lincoln: A Life 

One of the ten best books on Illinois history I have read in a decade.

Superior Achievement Award citation, ISHS Awards, 2018

A lively and engaging study . . .  an enthralling narrative.

James Edstrom

The Annals of Iowa

A book that merits the attention of all Illinois historians

as well as local historians generally.

John Hoffman

Journal of Illinois HIstory

A model for the kind of detailed and honest history other states and regions could use.

Harold Henderson 

Midwestern Microhistory

A fine example of a resurgence of Midwest historical scholarship.

Greg Hall

Journal of the Illinois

State Historical Society

Click  here 

to read about

the book 

Click  here 

to buy the book 

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Southern Illinois University Press

SIU Press is one of the four major university publishing houses in Illinois. Its catalog offers much of local interest, including biographies of Illinois political figures, the history (human and natural) and folklore of southern Illinois, the Civil War and Lincoln, and quality reprints in the Shawnee Classics series.

University of

Illinois Press

The U of I Press was founded in 1918. A search of the online catalog  (Books/Browse by subject/Illinois) will reveal more than 150 Illinois titles, books on history mostly but also butteflies, nature , painting, poetry and fiction, and more.  Of particular note are its Prairie State Books,  quality new paperback editions of worthy titles about all parts of Illinois, augmented with scholarly introductions.

University of

Chicago Press

The U of C publishing operation is the oldest (1891) and largest university press in Illinois. Its reach is international, but it has not neglected its own neighborhood. Any good Illinois library will include dozens of titles about Chicago and Illinois from Fort Dearborn to

Vivian Maier.

Northern Illinois University Press

The newest (1965) and the smallest of the university presses with an interest in Illinois, Northern Illinois University Press gave us important titles such as the standard one-volume history of the state (Biles' Illinois:
A History of the Land and Its People) and contributions to the history of Chicago, Illinois transportation, and the Civil War. Now an imprint of Cornell University Press.

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Reviews and significant mentions by James Krohe Jr. of more than 50 Illinois books, arranged in alphabetical order

by book title. 

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Illinois Center for the Book

Run by the Illinois State Library, The Center promotes reading, writing and author programs meant to honor the state's rich literary heritage. An affiliate of the Library of Congress’s Center for the Book, the site offers award competitions, a directory of Illinois authors, literary landmarks, and reading programs.

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